The state of things as of now...

I want to offer an apology up front for the emotion/resentment that might come out in this post. It has been an emotional, trying past couple of days with limited sleep and a complete 180 of everything I thought I knew.

Let me start at the beginning...those of you who have read my blog for some time know what J and I had to go through to get to this point. We started out by getting pregnant on our own. We didn't have to think about needles and timing and calendars. It just happened, and then in a blink it was gone. No explanation, no nothing. So after about six months we decided to get back on the horse again. Month after month, tears, fights, resentment, pointing fingers, our marriage wasn't going to survive much more. We finally sought out help. We were determined to have a baby, but we didn't have the luxury that we had before. No romantic story about a crazy night. No "I think I might be pregnant!" thoughts. Instead what filled our minds was how unfair it all seemed, like we were being cheated of those wonderful first emotions this time around.

We were inundated with test after test, treatment after treatment, doctor after doctor, shots, meds, it was never ending. After months and months of disappointments, we were spent, emotionally, physically, mentally. We couldn't do anymore. We started to seriously talk about other options, and after speaking to the RE, we decided to throw our hats in the ring one last time. Finally at our last treatment we got a break. A BIG break. We found out we were pregnant, but again the joy that most first time parents have was dampened a little by our past miscarriage and how we got pregnant. No overwhelming sense of joy. No immediately jumping on the phone to call our family and friends to share the good news. We were paralyzed, not completely believing the plastic test that lay on the sink, seemingly mocking all of our hopes and dreams. We simply called the doctor and set up our HCG test and tried not to get our hearts broken again.

Both HCG tests came back fine, and my progesterone was in the normal level, but they still wanted to leave me on all my meds for the first trimester. My life revolved around when to take my meds and making sure I didn't miss even one dose for fear that it would be the undoing of everything we had accomplished. The medicine made me sick, sick to the point that I couldn't hold down anything except water, dry toast, and occasionally lipton soup. Once again instead of focusing on the joy of what was taking place and basking in the awesome act that was taking place inside of me, I was wondering how I was going to handle this for another 6 months. I felt guilty because I wasn't happy, at least the level of happy that I had expected myself to be. I was sick, miserable, and feeling like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't enjoy what I had wanted for so long.

As the pregnancy progressed the sickness got better, only to be replaced by other problems. Separated muscles, anemia, and a breech baby which caused immense pain, (which we were assured would turn before it was time for birth. "He has plenty of room and time. No need to worry.") The second trimester was definitely better and I welcomed being able to eat again, but I still wasn't feeling the overwhelming happiness I felt I should be. I would talk to other new moms and they would express how amazing being pregnant was and how they never wanted it to end. Once again, not only was I struggling with the physical pain of things, but the emotional as well. How could I be a good mom if I couldn't even enjoy being pregnant? Why couldn't I feel that attachment to this growing thing inside of me? I tried to explain it to J, and he tried his best to understand, but I knew there was no way he really could. He watched helplessly as I would cry for no reason, or fly off about the littlest comment. I felt all alone with no one who could truly understand what I was feeling.

With the third trimester I started feeling a little better emotionally. It started feeling a little more real, and I was starting to actually feel excited at the prospect of our baby being a reality. I started counting down the weeks and then the days until the baby would be here. We took birthing classes and did hospital tours. We went to a safety seat clinic to make sure our car seat was installed properly. I had three baby showers and started to fill up the nursery with all of the wonderful things our friends and family had given us. J and I had long talks about labor and what it would be like. I decided I wanted to try the natural route for as long as possible trying to forgo an epidural in favor of IV anesthesia. I kept getting bigger and bigger and with that came intense swelling...swelling of my feet, my hands, my face. I kept asking the doctor if this was preeclampsia and he said that there were no signs in my tests that would lead him to conclude that so I trusted he knew what he was talking about and started silently praying for an early delivery. Some days were so bad I couldn't bend my toes, ankle, or knee. The swelling spread up my legs and was so prominent I started to bring flip flops to work in the dead of winter because my other shoes wouldn't fit after lunch. I was back to feeling guilty and selfish because I would rather have him born early than suck it up and deal with the physical ailments of being pregnant. What kind of a mother does that?

Finally it became time for us to start having weekly appointments. 36 weeks, no dilation. 37 weeks, no dilation. 38 weeks, no dilation. How could I not be dilating at all? I'd been having contractions since 28 weeks but strong contractions since 35 weeks. Why wasn't my cervix cooperating? I was beginning to get more and more frustrated with each week that came and went with no change and wondered if something was more wrong than what they were letting on.

Which brings us up to this week. Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am with intense back pain which wrapped around my body and reached down into my hips and upper thighs. I started walking around the house seeing if they would go away. Not only did they not go away, they spread into my abdomen and started coming regularly. I tried laying down, no change. I tried sitting up, no change. Left side, right side, back, no matter how I shifted they wouldn't go away or change intensity at all. Finally I woke J up and relayed to him that I think labor might be starting so he might want to call his boss and stay home today. I called my boss and did the same and we started timing away. Around 11, they were coming between 5 and 7 minutes apart regularly for over an hour. We called the birthing center and let them know we would be coming in soon. We arrived just after noon (J and I took showers and ate before we went in since we thought it might be a while before we got to do that again) and they ushered us into a room. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and a monitor for my contractions. We really thought we were not going to see our home again without a baby in tow. Today was the day, it just had to be!

The RN comes in to perform a pelvic exam. I could tell by the look on her face that something wasn't right. She kept asking me to try laying or extending in different ways as she felt around on my stomach. Finally she said, "I'm going to go get someone else to do a pelvic exam. I'll be right back." That should of been a huge red flag for me, but I just waited until the second nurse came in. It was pretty much the same the strange look on her face, the feeling that something wasn't right. She left and came back moments later with the ultrasound cart. She said they were going to do an ultrasound real quick to just get a feel for what was going on with the baby. The ultrasound confirmed what they were afraid of...Logan was sitting cross legged on my pelvic floor.

They called my doctor to try and figure out what to do. They concluded that the reason I haven't been dilating is due to the fact that his head isn't engaged in the birth canal so my body is having to do double duty to dilate on its own without the help of the weight of the baby and gravity. Our options as of this point seem to be:

1) If he isn't too low in my pelvic cavity, they can try to turn him. This would happen at the hospital via an ultrasound and after an epidural so my muscles are completely relaxed. There is about a 65% success rate with this procedure. Pros: hopefully if successful I would be able to deliver vaginally and have a somewhat normal labor process. Cons: some babies don't turn at all, or if they get them turned they can turn right back and you still have to have a c-section after enduring the procedure to turn. I am hoping that if the doctor gives us the green light to turn that they will agree to induce at the same time and deliver instead of waiting and possibly have him turn back or go into distress.

2) If the doctor isn't comfortable turning for whatever reason, they won't let me even attempt to deliver Logan at this angle. It is apparently unhealthy for both of us and can cause neural problems in the baby since they come neck first instead of head first. They would schedule a c-section for me as soon as possible to get Logan out while both of us are not in critical condition. The goal is to get the baby out before my body goes into active labor (dilating). Pros: they could safely deliver him in a matter of minutes. Cons: Longer recovery time, longer time off from work.

I know it isn't the end of the world. Many people have had C-Sections and have perfectly healthy babies. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that there is 99% chance that I won't just spontaneously go into labor and have my baby the natural way without medical intervention. I guess that's how we started this whole journey, so why should we end it any differently?

So that is where we stand as of now. We are seeing our doctor this afternoon to talk about our options and what he suggests/ prefers as of now. I will try to keep everyone updated as things progress. Please keep J, Logan, and I in your thoughts and prayers as events continue to unfold for our family.